Just Another Normal Day
by Asane Hime
Summary: A twisted parody on Fruits Basket yaoi fanfiction. Chapter 2 with mack daddy Momiji added. discontinued
1. Step One: Declare Your Feelings

Disclaimers and Stuff:  
*Author's ass covering statement* _I don't own Fruits Basket or any of the characters. Resemblances to any Fruits Basket characters are completely noncoincidental. But seriously, I do own the story written here. This was written out of love and respect for the series and hatred of most of it's fan fiction so please don't sue this poor grad student's tooshi._

_This fic is a parody of all the badly written KyouxYuki yaoi fics out there and bad yaoi fics in general (I admit to not reading more than a few excerpts from FB fics because I hate the usual yaoi pairings). At least, that's how the fic started. I tried to apply cliché plot devices, but eventually I started writing original. I even tried writing with poor spelling and grammar, but I can't manage to make more than a few errors per page. I'm a total failure, but at least I'm having fun!_

_Warnings for this chapter: Death of innocent animals, yaoi, OOC, lack of a beta, and blatantly bad and overused plot devices  
Future additional Warnings: Death of main characters, yuri, and more blatantly bad and overused plot devices_

_Couples: YukixKyou,  
Furture Couples: TouruxHanaxUo and possibly ShigurexAyame_

**Just Another Normal Day**

It was another typical day in the Souma household. Shigure was reading smut at the table and asking every five minutes if dinner was ready to Touru, who was cooking in the kitchen. The boys, Kyou and Yuki, were well…

"Baka neko, watch where you're going!"  
"It's not my fault you were in my way, kuso nezumi!"  
"You're always in *my* way. Why don't you just move out already!"  
"Why don't you just run back to the main house and play with Akito!"  
"Why you…. God, I hate you!"  
"I double hate you!"  
"I triple hate you times two!"  
"I hate you times infinity!"  
"I hate you times infinity divided by zero!" yelled Yuki, starting to sweat a little after all his shouting. As for Kyou, the blood vessels in his head were already set to explode.

Meanwhile, Shigure smiled behind the cover of his "Year 2001 Best of Girls in Sailor Fuku" book, listening to the whole thing. The boys never stopped fighting, but he knew it was all a ruse. Suddenly, an evil thought came to him and he smirked as he silently tiptoed unnoticed behind Kyou, who was standing in the doorway to the hall. Hidden behind the corner, Yuki couldn't see Shigure as he whispered, "I love you" into Kyou's ear.

"I love you!" screamed Kyou.  
"I love you squared times infinity, divided by zero cubed!" shouted Yuki right back.

It took a moment for what they said to finally sink into their rage enveloped brains. Shigure chose that moment of confusion to materialize from behind the corner, "it's about time you two came out with it," he chuckled as clasped both Kyou and Yuki's shoulders. "Now what are you going to do about it? If you need some help for ideas, I have plenty of reference material back in my study." That said, he smiled to himself and scurried off to watch the outcome from a safe distance.

Kyou was confused. Did Yuki really feel that way about him? If Yuki denied it now, Kyou would have to jump from the tallest mountain into the deepest for he wouldn't be able to live any longer. "You, you didn't really mean what you said, right?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could, but couldn't completely hide the torrent of psychedelically colored feelings in his expression, however.

"I uh.." Yuki's face first paled and then flushed bright red. Kyou thought Yuki had never looked so beautiful as he did now. It was as if a goddess descended from heaven to give him a private strip show. "I'm not sure. What about you, huh? Did you mean what you said?"

"Are you kidding? I only said that because of Shigure. I was going to say I, I," Kyou could no longer pretend. When he said that it was Shigure's fault, Yuki's face had fallen. It looked like his heart had plummeted to the floor and Kyou was squeezing the last drop of life from it with the sole of his foot. He couldn't bear to see Yuki hurt so. It felt like his own heart was being crushed beneath his feet. Blood flowing to his face, he crossed his arms and looked away from Yuki, unwilling to watch Yuki's reaction. "I, I love you." There, he had said it. He couldn't believe it actually came out of his mouth of his own free will. Extremely embarrassed, Kyou blushed lobster red from head to toe, and fled to his room.

Yuki was shocked, angry, and yet at the same time, the happiest he'd ever been in his entire life. The sun had never shined and the birds had never sung before this moment. He felt like climbing to the roof of the tallest building and singing Frank Sonatra at the top of his lungs. After reveling in absolute bliss for several minutes and prancing about the hallway, he chased after Kyou and stormed into his room.

"Kyou." The name escaped his lips like a sakura petal descended from the tree in April. "I, I," he had to say it! Why was it so hard to say it? Dropping his head, Yuki whispered, "I love you too, Kyou. Ever since the first time I kicked your ass, I've wanted to be inside it."

Kyou was sitting in the corner of his room facing the wall and looking through books about the tallest, most deadly mountains with the deepest, most deadly rapids beneath them. At Yuki's declaration of undying love, he suddenly whipped around and stared at him in shock. "You do? All this time, you've loved me?" He leapt from the floor and flung the book in his hand out the window, which then landed on a bird, abruptly killing it. "What about Touru? All this time you have been brownnosing her for affections."

"Don't you understand, my dear, beautiful, darling Kyou?" Yuki pleaded as he spun arms outstretch in a circle with a flourish. Yuki's face held the most precious of smiles, which was for his Kyou alone. He glided over to Kyou, wrapped his arms around him and whispered in his ear, "I was only using her to make you Jealous. I never liked her. She's mediocrity at it's finest, completely clueless, and has some pschycological disorder with her mother obsession. How could *I*, Prince Yuki, ever fall for someone like that." With his final sentence, Yuki released Kyou and spun around the room yet again with a dramatic flare.

Kyou could still feel Yuki's hot breath in his ear. The entire time, his heart felt as if it was going to leap from his chest and stain Yuki's clothes. "I never liked her either," he spat. "She can't even throw a decent punch. I was using her just like you. That damn bitch! Just whom does she take us for!"

"You're right," Yuki said as love-filled visage was replaced with an evil smirk. "We need to get rid of her. She's only in our way. But first, there's some ass I want to do more than just kicking to," Yuki growled out as he proceeded to tear Kyou's clothes off and toss them out the window, causing them to land on top of the book which lay atop the squashed dead bird.

TBC…  
_if I feel like it. I already know what happens, so I'm in no rush to continue. Please post comments, good or bad (although flames are subject to public stoning and possibly tar and feathering) and constructive criticisms if this fic tantalizes your entertainment nerves in any way._


	2. Step Two: Receive Sexual Instruction

_All Disclaimers and warnings still apply._

**Just Another Normal Day, Chapter 2**

A week had passed and Touru was still alive and well. Kyou and Yuki were far too occupied having sex like rabbits to spend time thinking about how to do away with her. During that week, the boys tried just about every sexual position and contraption they could think of; although, since they weren't very creative, they didn't get much further than BDSM, beads, and various sexual positions numbered less than 100. Momiji, who knew all about having sex like rabbits, would say that they still had a lot to learn.

"Ne, ne, did you know? Rabbits have great sex like that because, well, they're animals!" Momiji explained to Yuki one day while walking. They had coincidentally run into each other on their way to the sex shop after school. Momiji was enthusiastically giving Yuki advice on creative sex from first hand experience. Enthusiastically for Momiji meant he was prancing around Yuki like a rabbit in heat in his sailor fuku.

"Momiji, how do you know so much about sex? You always seem so innocent," Yuki asked, mind still reeling from all the things that Momiji had told him could be done in the bedroom or with a broomstick for that matter.

"It's all an act," he cheered as he frolicked another loop around Yuki. To prove his point, Momiji suddenly stopped in his tracks and transformed into a flyboy. His clothes didn't change, nor did his looks, but his expression and manner said everything. "Man, the chicks totally dig it. Suck on a big lollypop and look at them with big innocent eyes and they'll be falling all over you to let you suck on something else," he said, with a voice about an octave lower than Yuki had ever heard before.

Momiji shoved his multicolored, super-sized lollipop into Yuki's mouth and took out his cigarettes, shaking them into his palm like an expert. "Want one," he asked, holding out his Peace Super Lights. "Sugar will give ya cavities."

"There's just one thing I don't get," Yuki stated, trying to convince himself that he was still talking to Momiji and not some inner city mack daddy. "If you're so good at getting the ladies, how come we manage to cockblock you so often?"

Momiji took a long drag on his cigarette, flicking the ash with practiced grace. "That's just cause I stick my cock out more than you guys do. Besides, I'm just playing with Touru. She's boorish, a complete bubblehead, and has some fucked up shit with her mother. And on top of that, she ain't got no titties," he stressed by squeezing imaginary ones in front of him.

"C'mon," Momiji said, pointing with his head towards the sex shop and thumbing his nose. "There's more to learn only a few feet away. I'll point ya to the best toys and video tapes. Although, I'm an open minded kinda guy. I'd be willing to demonstrate personally if ya want."

Yuki blushed bright red. Come to think of it, Yuki had been blushing a lot ever since the day he dared to divide by zero cubed. Just thinking about it turned him ten shades redder and made his pants too tight.

Momiji slyly looked Yuki over, focusing on those all too tight pants, judging if he was worthy of his personal instruction. Momiji really preferred girls. That way, when he spent the night, he could just wear their clothes the next day and not have to worry about people wondering why he didn't change. "Well, he's wet enough to be a girl at least," he thought.

What Yuki experienced in the sex shop was a whole other world. His head was spinning from all the new knowledge and his arms were aching from the many heavy bags of props and toys he had purchased. He and Kyou wouldn't be walking strait for weeks.

Momiji, however, only had one small bag. "Just the usual," he had said to the store clerk when he went to purchase.

"Oh, if it isn't our best customer, the Candy Boi," the shop owner, a drag queen well beyond his prime, exclaimed happily and clapped his hands together in the air. "Ne, little candy-chan, when are you going to demonstrate some of you're expertise on me?" she asked, leaning over the counter as provocatively as she could muster.

Momiji smiled back with a little "humph" and thumbed his nose again. "Sorry, kitten. You know my rules on age. Besides, looks like my private tutoring schedule might be book for the interim."

Once they were back outside, Momiji was once again the Momiji that all the girls drooled over. Sweet, innocent, and prince charming in his prepubescent years, he once again frolicked in loops around Yuki and sang a nonsensical ditty. He had already replaced his cigarette with yet another multicolored lollipop, this time heart shaped, just before they left the store.

Yuki just rolled his eyes and sighed. "Must you do that?"

"Poo. Yuki's being uptight again. I'll let you go home and unwind," he said with a wink and smile. One final twirl and a big goodbye wave in the air and he was skipping away, leaving all the girls on the street crying "how cuuuuuute."

It wasn't until Momiji had gone and Yuki was left with only his sex toys and thoughts that Momiji's words sunk in. "Because they're animals, huh?" Yuki thought, a lusty grin spreading wide across his face.

TBC…

Author's Notes:  
_Special thanks to Merrow for giving me a few ideas on the story so far.  
This chapter was dedicated to Ohimesama... you know the reason why girl.  
Peace Super Lights are an actual Japanese brand of cigarettes (I did my research ^_^).  
And finally, if you would like more information on the possible sex acts that Yuki and Kyou may have done or may do after Momiji's instruction, please visit this link: http://www.squidge.org/~minotaur/ which is a yaoi writer's best resource for authentic sex._


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